Val I usually make light of all situations and arguments but this will not be one of those deals. I have had my wife tell me most of the stuff you said towards the end of your post. When my wife messes up and she does often(recovering alcoholic and user) She says she is sorry. This usually isnt very good for me but when I see her trying to get better I have a tendancy to hope for the best. I can only imagine your hubby has the same hopes and thoughts of you, for those times you dont understand why he would ever forgive you. I fell in love with a girl that wasnt much different than me, she took a turn for the worst, drugs cheating stealing, but I do my best to see the girl she used to be. On another note, if you do not like yourself for your actions then they are hurting you, and most likely the people who want the best for you. (insert sappy music here)