From Bottle to Barbell

The other day one of you asked me, “What’s an older woman like you doing on a website like this?” I ask myself that a hundred times a day. Go figure. I just know you are all very dear to me. This is going to be a verrry long post, which means nobody will thoroughly read it—so in that case I’m going to say what’s reeeeealllly on my mind.

Two old sayings come to mind. 1) If what you’re doing isn’t working, do something else. 2) If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.

What I’ve been doing for the past year isn’t working, and what I WAS doing a few years ago, when that avatar picture was taken, did work. Beautifully. It wasn’t broken, but I tried to fix it—so now it’s broken again!

Nine years ago, our family moved from one coast to the opposite shore. I had been not just a school teacher, but THE school teacher—the one in our community that everyone knew about. I really dug all of the respect and admiration, too. Of course I had no life of my own, but I thrived on all that I was accomplishing. I was getting really tired though, when one day my husband came home and asked me how I’d feel about moving to California. I eagerly accepted the opportunity to give up teaching and start a new life.

My twin sons were in the 5th grade when we made the move. I got them settled in a new school and began the task of unpacking all the boxes. Suddenly gone were the days of endless responsibility, juggling six balls in the air at all times, and dozens of people to whom I was directly accountable. I relaxed into the unpacking scene with a bottle of wine and some new age music—and in retrospect, I realize that in many ways, that was my first drink.

Within a year, I was drinking alcoholically. Within two years, my husband said to me, “Either you quit, or you leave.”

I quit. It was necessary to fill the vacuum that booze had filled with a new activity, so I joined a gym and began working out. During my first year of sobriety, I worked out, and studied everything I could find on the subject of working out. I took some courses and earned certification to do massage, and “bought” an AFAA personal training certificate.

From bottle to barbell, I was in business. It went amazingly well. Automagically well. I was even on TV a few times, and oh boy did my body look hot! When that avatar picture was taken I was 50 years old. (And humble too, as you can tell.)

My diet and exercise routines during those years were very unconventional by all of your standards. I followed a CRON diet, did too much cardio, and trained like an animal in the weight room. What I was doing in the gym and in the kitchen was working. But the career thing was getting old.

After about five years of the training and massage gig, I began to get quite bored with it. My heart wasn’t really into it—I felt like a babysitter—and it always seemed that my success had happened accidentally, not because I really loved what I was doing. I started to wind down my business, stopped accepting new clients, and thought about just quitting altogether. My sons graduated from high school and went off to college, and I probably wanted to just sit back and enjoy being sober and RETIRED. I didn’t NEED to work. The last straw was the day when a massage client had a heart attack on my table. That was the official last day of my little training/massage business.

Like that scene at the end of “Finding Nemo” where all the fishies are floating in baggies right off the pier, I was a living example of “Now what?” It’s hard to believe that was only about a year ago. For six months, I really enjoyed myself. Our house and yard had never been “done,” so I began painting and scrubbing and planting and renovating.

I continued to workout, but for no particular reason, began to tinker and experiment with my program. “Gee if I look this good now, doing everything MY way, imagine how good I could look if I FOLLOWED THE EXPERTS ADVICE!” Six months later, I had lost my lean look, had lost considerable strength in the weight room, and stopped winning all those 5K races. Something else happened—or didn’t happen—my periods stopped. The hot flashes began. Hello Menopause.

I felt fat. I wasn’t, but I thought I was. One fine morning, I had the worst idea of my life. I ordered some phentermine online. The stuff made me feel better than any high I’d ever experienced, and I was rapidly trimming down again. I was turning heads again in the gym. (Yes, I guess I like attention!) Unfortunately, my blood pressure was reacting to the phentermine. One day I collapsed under the squat bar at the gym and had the very embarrasing experience of having the paramedics arrive. If I hadn’t been such a convincing patient, they would have dragged my ass to the hospital.

I gave away my phentermine the next morning, but two weeks later my blood pressure was still through the roof. I felt like holy s**t. It had been many years since my last drink, and some little voice in my head told me I could handle it again, that a few drinks would bring my blood pressure down, and ease me down from the phentermine high.

Duh. What a dumb-ass decision. I can’t have “one” drink. One drink isn’t what I want. I WANT the whole damned liquor store. It took not months or weeks to spiral out of control. It took merely days. My last good day was Halloween 2003. I drank and ate all through the holidays, thinking everyday that “tomorrow” I would get it together and stop. “Tomorrow” came several times. In January, I was able to stay sober for a few days at a time. By February, I was able to stay sober for a week at a time, during which I would start all over again at the gym with new resolve—only to fall off the wagon again. A week off. A week on. March was some better, but my days OFF were some of the worst of my entire drinking career.

I don’t know what else to do now but to keep trying. Here I am, folks. I’ve been sober for a week now and feel cautiously optimistic. I’ve hired a counselor. (AA is not an option for me. Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt.) I’ve decided to go back to what always worked for me in the past—the old workout routines, the CRON diet, doing too much cardio—doing everything “wrong” by the book. It worked once. It can work again.

And of course I need to fill the vacuum that was left when my precious sons left home with—something. Maybe I’ll do some volunteer work this time. Not sure, but it will come to me. My closest friend moved away shortly before my crash, so she needs to be replaced too. I have a LOT of work to do.

Now that everyone has long-since quit reading this, I’m going to ask for support. While I can only be accountable to myself, it truly helps to know that other people give a damn about me and are in the bleachers cheering me on, even if they’re doing it from cyberspace.

Love,
Mom

[zippman]

Tarzana,
That was a beautiful post, and thank you so very much for welcoming and trusting us with your very personal struggles and story. Your honesty is extremely touching and very human. Thank you for sharing with us, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I, more than anyone, can understand your struggles with alcohol, as I too, constantly struggle with my drinking and have done so for many years. The on and off cycle is a very real event in my life as well, and one that I constantly battle. I don't know if I'll ever overcome my addiction, however, we are all only human and we all try and do the best we can.

I support you and love you very much for opening up on such a very public forum. It shows great strength, courage, and belief in oneself and us, to share such a personal story.

You have my un-ending support and respect, and I truly think you're such a wonderful person and friend!

Zipp

[McKenzie]

**hug n kiss* S

McK

[Mr.X]

Tarzana,

Thank you for sharing with all of us - it means a lot to see your kindness, wit, beauty and knowledge here in our home

We are all here for you

Mr.X

I read every word. I can't comment right now as I am short on time, but that was an extremely courageous post. On behalf of your fellow mods and all of our members, we are here for you. Every single one of us. I'll reply again tomorrow when I get back.

I read every word. I can't comment right now as I am short on time, but that was an extremely courageous post. On behalf of your fellow mods and all of our members, we are here for you. Every single one of us. I'll reply again tomorrow when I get back.

[Spook]

Tarz, you know you have always had my ear and my heart. I'll continue to be here for you for the future as well. Anytime you need to talk, just call. You know me as well and I know that you are there when I need to call.

Thanks to all. I really love you. Here it is Monday morning already and I'm stillllll sober. Holy moly! Feeling cautiously optimistic...I need to be extremely careful of my thought processes today.

Watched a movie last night in which most of the scenes featured the characters sharing a bottle of wine in the most beautiful glasses I've ever seen. Ow that hurt. One of the characters had to sling back 5 glasses of wine (I counted!) before he had the courage to tell a female friend that he loved her. It was supposed to be funny, but it made me want to cry.

He he he...gonna break some imaginary wine glasses in the gym today. Not gonna throw 'em...gonna torture them first...crush them slooowly between the plates in the selectorized machines.

[TheMyth]

congradulations Tarzana, you look so beautiful you coudl never tell.