Anger and I might need help.

[darkrid3r]

I am unsure if its the right section If not please move it.

This has been a long time coming, and I am unsure what to do.
By nature I am a reserved guy, very laid back and generally do for others before myself. (My ex wife calls it white knight syndrome)

For whatever reason, I look for women that are in trouble, shit I attract them. Shelter from a bad boyfriend, gamblers, emotionally unstable whatever, its like a fucking magnet.

So anyway....Anger, my ex wife said she was afraid of my flash anger, I was like what are you talking about. She brings this up after 15 years of marrige and im on my way out the door forever. She said she was never going to tell me.

I used to drive angry, a lot. When you have 300hp car that eats 90% of cars on the road its easy to be a dick. When I would see people do bad stuff, i would be right there beside them, egging them on, its like Hey your not the only dick on the road. It has goten me many speeding tickets, but never in trouble YET.

My anger is flash like, cold one minute, rip your face off the next. Out of the blue so to speak. And it does not come very often, its odd....

Here is the bad part, and I actually broke down crying this am. Its not the steroids, I was like this before. The dam emotions are just a little closer to the surface.

[darkrid3r]

Here is the story that has taken me to where I am now.......

Last night, was around 8pm, i put the dog out to pee. Waited 5 minutes, called him to come in, whistled, patted my leg etc you know the usual get your ass over here motions
So he was looking at me like i was retarded. I was like fuck you, and went back downstairs to watch movies.
30 minutes goes by, i was like oh crap forgot about dog...went back upstairs to the door, once again, whistled patted etc he was looking at me again, and this is when the anger started (i am looking for a trigger here)
after 5 minutes of attempting to get him to come inside, i got mad not crazy mad yet. I went down stairs, put on pants, shirt and socks. As this is happening i was getting more and more mad. Put on my shoes and went outside. Yelled at the dog.
he might have thought I was playing I am unsure.
When I would move towards him, he ran away, can he sense my anger???

I chased him into a corner, grabbed the scurf of his fur and hauled him up into my arms, he yelped and squirmed like I was going to eat him.
The anger is bubbling now, heart racing, like tunnel vision, red blurry anger.

I dropped him next to the door, he ran inside like it was his last, skidded across the floor and into the recycle buckets, I pushed him with my foot and shooed him down the stairs, I thank god he did not go down them.
When he comes in from outside he goes to his bed, he knows this because he is wet from the snow.
I got his collar and dragged him to his kennel, at this point my heart is going so fast i can feel it in the top of my head, thump thump thump.

This is the anger my wife was talking about..????

[hazcat]

Sounds like you need some professional help. Buf might have some answers for you. Sorry to hear about you and your ex. Keep your chin up because nothing is insurmountable if you see it, accept it, and want to conquer it.

[darkrid3r]

This AM he is limping and wont put any weight on one of his back legs, I am afraid that I have hurt him. It could have been much worse, being blinded by anger like that.

What If i killed him, what if it was a kid, what if it was a girlfriend, ex wife, a stranger that I dragged out of a car (buffs story got me tearing here)

I dont want to hurt anyone, i sat naked on my kitchen floor and just held my dog this AM, crying, girlfriend all upset too.

Where does this come from, its it from my shitty childhood sexual abuse, parents dead and gone, foster care, what....where the fuck does it come from, this has to stop.

God forbid i hurt a human and end up in jail, not that hurting my puppy is the best thing in the world either. I feel cruel and evil, its just not me.

Perhaps I need professional help.....

[darkrid3r]

Sounds like you need some professional help. Buf might have some answers for you. Sorry to hear about you and your ex. Keep your chin up because nothing is insurmountable if you see it, accept it, and want to conquer it.

I think you might be right has, perhaps buff can shed some light on it, or anyone else for that matter.

I am not afraid to try and figure it out, even the trigger points so that I can recognize them and count to 10, or remove myself from the situation. Just something so that I can control it while I seek help.

[hazcat]

I always look at things like this as is the the person I want to be? Is this who I want others to see me as? If the answer is no then I do everything I can to become who I want to be. Now that's the short version. There are a lot of steps inbetween. There's more than likely something in your background you should come to terms with prior to conquering this problem. Some person you learned this type of behavior from to begin with and that's what you're going to have to deal with.

[hazcat]

Well you beat me to this last post. Sorry for doubling what you said above. I figured it was something like that going on.

[darkrid3r]

I always look at things like this as is the the person I want to be? Is this who I want others to see me as? If the answer is no then I do everything I can to become who I want to be. Now that's the short version. There are a lot of steps inbetween. There's more than likely something in your background you should come to terms with prior to conquering this problem. Some person you learned this type of behavior from to begin with and that's what you're going to have to deal with.

I am sure I learned it from my father, We used to get beets for not doing dishes, thrown through closet doors for not doing laundry and cleaning our rooms. Its not a new issue.....

As i get older I understand myself more and more.

I dont want to be the angry guy like he was, I dont want to hurt anyone out of flash anger, its silly and stupid, just want it to go away or learn to control it, whatever that takes, before something bad does truly happen.

[Bufbiker]

Anger comes usually from one source, pride.
It's like who do you think you are, and you don't seem to know who I am or what I am.
I've had the dog thing happen before and I'd rather kill a person than hurt my dog. They are great but when they run from you when you're trying to get then in, it can be a trigger.
So, you recognize that there are trigger points.
Think back to times when you lost your anger and find what those trigger points were for each different situation. I'll bet you'll find that each one of them can be boiled down to one thing, human pride. It's an age old story.
I used to be a very violent man. I had to be. It was my lifestyle and what I was known for. It actually worked for me in the lifestyle I was living.
Over the years I've learned to control it much better, obviously I'm not where I wold like to be yet, but I'm more prone now to be aggressive with people I don't know as opposed to people I know and love, which is a good thing, but not perfect.
When I feel myself getting angry I've got two decisions. One, I can let the anger take over until I'm not in control any more, like I used to get. By removing myself from the situation and letting the anger take over I can be more violent without any guilt.
Or, two, I can look ahea to possible consequencdes of any anger related action I may take.

[Bufbiker]

Mt dogs outside barking and won't come in. I can get then baseball bat and let anger take over and wind up doing something I'll regret later, or I can ignore her and let her get it out of her system and 9 times out of 10 when she/he sees I'm not going to play with her she'll scratch on the door to come in.
But the issue is still pride.
There are times our anger comes frorm insecurities. My anger masks my internal pain. Childhood crap, love life issues, steroids. (Yes high doses of steroids will cause aggression and we all know it if we've done mega doses of juice.) But anger even from these causes is still an issue of pride. I'll show you who the boss is.
Just ask the question, "Is allowing the anger to take me somewhere I don't really want to go worth the end resuts?"
Really just taking a step back and look ahead.
Easier said than done no doubt, but still do-able.
And really consider the pride issue.