I'm about to lose it!! Teenager problems....

[georgeinaltus]

swamp bro, i'm posting to let you know your not alone. My wife and I both in our 40s, have the same philosophy with our 16 yo son. He can drink at home with us responsibly.
A few months ago, a neighbor told me that my son just offered her 13 yo son pot behind their house in the woods. Shit hit the fan that day.
I brought him home from a friends house, he was standing down stairs, i went up stairs to get a belt, and he ran out the door. gone for 23 hours. what an ordeal. He finally came home one hour before he could be legally declared a runaway. The cops came back to finish the report and check on us when he got home. He explained to the cops and said he wanted to be emanicipated. The cops laughed at him because he's never worked a day in his life. Hes been totally spoiled , our faults as parents. The cops explained to him that I can discipline him for his actions, and encouraged me in front of them to go get the belt. The light bulb went off for him when they asked him if he wanted to go to jail for illgeal activity.
The wife and I spent several sessions with a counselor over this with our son.

I stop for now and post some more later.
You are not alone bud. My wife and I are going thru alot of the same things with our 16 yo.

[dannothemanno]

Kids are like dogs, they NEED discipline and they NEED to know their boundaries, otherwise they just run amuk and go nuts. I wouldnt be letting them smoke or drink until legal age. Do a bit of research on the permanent effects of kids under the age of 19 smoking weed. It does in fact alter their brain chemistry, permanently. After the age of 19-20, it has no permanent effect on brain chemistry.
Its not an easy thing, handing out discipline to a child you love more than life, but giving in to them and spoiling them is only destroying their chances of becoming a real man or a real woman, it prematurely ends their journy into adulthood and learning and utilisation of the skills they should be aquiring to become adults.

[Floridagrowin]

jok3r I totally agree with you except for that part. For a teenager his room is like a temple. Like imagine your mom getting into your room and opening some drawers and finding vials of testosterone and various purple pills and throws gear for hundreds of dollars into the trash. In my opinion you shouldn't throw stuff or you might reach the boiling point when all hell breaks loose. You'll get the "I hate you" and "locking inside the room listening to punk loud" stuff. You don't want that.

I have to disagree with this completely. Everything my kids got, up until they got their own jobs, was given to them by me and my wife. We worked for it. The house they live in is mine, we pay for that. The food they eat, the air conditioning, clothes, phones, cars, etc, yep I paid for that too. So it is my temple and they just live in it. Yes they have privacy but I'll be damned if they rule anything. I I think they are doing something that they aren't allowed to do then there is no sacred ground in my house for them to claim dominion over. It is simple as that. All my kids are adults, very respectful, ambitious and responsible. They got that way through discipline. From the day they could crawl and reach for something they weren't supposed to touch they were taught to leave it alone. I never "child proofed" my house, I house proofed my children. Without disciple even adults behave poorly. None of my kids (that I raised) smoke or do drugs or eben have friends that do. They don't want anything to do with it or be around anyone that does. I have one child that did not grow up in my home and that one smoke cigs and weed on occasion but has enough respect not to do either around me.

As far as the power struggle in the house. Not much has been said about it. my wife is very strong minded when it comes to the kids. Stands up for them even when they are wrong kinda thing. I know this is not a good thing as this is what my Mom did to me. I could have killed someone and my Mother would have blamed everyone else but me. Not really a great thing. So, we'll see I guess.

Thanks for the responses fellas!!!

I think this should be your biggest concern. I understand the desire to stand behind your children even when they are wrong. There is a huge difference between standing up for your kids and enabling them by trying to minimize their faults. In any event this should be limited to people outside your home. Your wife needs to understand that she is supposed to be your life partner in all things, including raising her children. You may not be their biological father but you are there provider and they live in your home. I can honestly tell you I love my wife above all things (except my kids) but I'd leave her in a minute if she disrespected me to this degree. IMO this is what you need to fix first. Until you do you are wasting your time with those boys. At this point they are pretty much who they are going to be unless they decide to change. You can certainly encourage them to do the right thing and try at this point to instill discipline but if you do not have 100% backing from your wife your are simply pissing in the wind.

I have a question for you Swamp. Where is their biological father and is he part of the boys lives? Is he maybe an option? Maybe an ultimatum for your wife. She either gets on board with you, sends the boys away or you find a new life. I think anything you do at this point will be an uphill battle unless the boys decide to make some changes themselves. That isn't likely without support of your wife.

[Iconia]

Sounds like me when I was 15, I would tell my parents to fuck off and go smoke weed and drink, Stay out all night and fail classes. They could never do anything to stop me. But I changed because I got board with the life when i turned 18.