I'm about to lose it!! Teenager problems....

[Swamp Thing]

I'm stuck slab in the middle of being IRATE pissed off to the point that my hands are shaking... and knowing that I MAY be taking shit too hard because I'm "on."

My wife has two teenage boys that are not mine. They're 15-16yrs old and I have been with them since they were 5-6. Well... we're not perfect parents and have made the mistake of trying to be the cool parents. Not proud to admit it but we have allowed them to start smoking weed. The thought process on it was we would rather them be here in the house and doing shit in front of us and being open and honest with us rather than hiding everything from us. Well... "we give and inch they take a mile." Shit has gone WAY over board. My problem is... my wife is doing NOTHING about it. One of them has been caught lying dead to our faces several times. He's been told to stay home while I went out and he left the house and got so drunk he blacked out. We find out today he's been taking weed to school. This kid is out of control. The "cool parent" idea has completely backfired. The issue now is... what to do. I will NOT live in a house were my kids are "allowed" to lie straight to my face with no consequences. My wife and I have argued over this shit over and over and over again with no answer. She's letting this kid run all over her and I can not sit idle by and watch it happen. I refuse to live in a house like this.... its driving me fucking crazy. I have no clue what the fuck to do...

[dannothemanno]

Your the man of the house mate, take control and tell em both its YOUR way or the highway. If they dont like it then they will have to go.......if you feel that strongly about it, which you should. Kids need discipline and like yousaid bro, give em an inch and they take a mile.....Your wife needs to back you up and show that she respects you, if she doesnt respect you enough to back you in this well then your gonna have to make some hard decisions bro. But the best thing to do now, while your angry like this, is to get out of the house, go for a long walk somewhere and calm down, think things thru and plan a path thru it all. Not easy to see one atm cause your so angry and hurt, but there is one there somewhere and its your job to find it bro. Just go for a walk or drive and take some time to be by yourself and calm down and think objectively about it. Kids lie their arses off all the time mate, its one of the faults of youth, keep that in mind, they grow out of it as they mature...... I wouldnt be too concerned about the lying, more the taking weed to school thing. Its a hard line nowadays mate, doing what your doing or coming down hard on em and trying to stop em from trying drugs, but what do you do? The shit is everywhere nowdays.....

[Bufbiker]

My kids are grown up now, and turned out pretty decent considering their parents. But we've been through the same stuff.
You have to sit down with your wife, lay down some ground rules for the boys, pre-figure consequences for going beyond those boundaries, then talk to the boys man to man and Mom to sons.
But you and your wife have to be a united front. You can't have one contradicting the other. And you need to stick to your guns on consequences.
If they are not completely out of control and if they have any degree of respect for the two of you then they will listen to you and respect your position whether they agree with it or not.
I found some pot on my oldest son one time and told him what if I called the cops and he said he would tell them it was mine and who would they believe an outlaw biker with a major criminal record or a high school kid.
I called the cops and they stood behind me believe it or not. He didn't get busted at that time becaus he didn't have it on him, I had it, but after that he understood my position and how serious I was about this.

[2Rhodesians]

completely agree with Buf on this one. You and your wife should agree to the ground rules, what's allowed / not allowed. If you guys aren't on the same page, you'll never get anywhere with the kids, they'll play the both of you. That's exactly what I did with my parents. You know the old ask mom and if I don't get the answer I want, I'll ask dad kinda thing. Except in your case the stakes are a little higher.

I feel for you bro, this is exactly what I went through as a teenager and wound up hanging with the wrong people and eventually left my house, even left the country. I think that I wound up OK in the long run, but easily could have made different choices that would have not been OK. I think it's important to let them know that you care about them and it's not about you controlling them, etc...

[BlackJack]

I have 5 children from 3 marriages. Yep that's right - pretty messed up shit. I don't know whether my advice will be alright for you, but you shouldn't blame yourself to begin with. I mean one of my daughters doesn't give a shit about success, a college dropout, I never cared too much. I told them its your lives if you wanna be shit then so be it, I gave you the opportunity to learn in good schools, to go to college and stuff I developed a lot of businesses over the years so you can have the chance to get what you want from your lives but if you are not going to fight for it I won't either. And the funny shit is that one of my daughters is now a successful lawyer, one of my sons plays in some rockband and he likes what he does but she (the first one i was talking about) isn't doing anything. I've had a pretty harsh childhood so I learnt not to care that much. I know most of you guys will tell me that I'm supposed to care since they are my children but you know life is life and they are adults and if they need help I'm there for em. But I never help people who are not looking for help - this is one of the worst parenting mistakes in my opinion - parents who are forcing their help on their children. So all in all, I guess you should set the rules as the guys said and that's it. Maybe it's just the puberty stuff I dunno but don't blame yourself for being a cool parent. Things will settle so don't worry just be the man.

[jok3r]

Where do they get the money from for this weed? I'd say start getting strict on them, tell them enough is enough. You tried to be the best parents and as you said, it back fired so it obviously isn't the right way to go about it. When they are at school, search their room from top to bottom and get rid of anything you don't approve of - sure its a breach of privacy but they obviously don't have very high morals nor do they respect their parents and they are living under YOUR roof.

If you're funding their habit, stop it. Stop giving them cash, if they want $$ then they can get jobs, it'll teach them responsibility also (did for me anyway when my parents stopped giving me money). Take control of the situation, you are the man, the head of the house, king of your castle, so act like it. I'm not saying that to offend you but thats what helps me with issues I face in life, so start demanding respect.

Now comes the hard part, its time to sit your wife down and tell her exactly how you feel and what you want done about it. Tell her she needs to look at your kids best interests, I mean does she really want them to end up being 30yo, living at home sitting on their ass all day smoking weed? If they bring anything you don't approve of tell them they are out, its your house and your taking control.

So thats the best option I think, admit your mistakes, admit they've taken it too far, admit they need to learn respect, maturity and better morals. If they refuse to follow your rules then they can pack up their shit and move out, they'll then have to consider a life of struggle, stress and lack of people to turn to compared to a loving home where their father was just trying to adjust things in their best interest.

[BlackJack]

and get rid of anything you don't approve of

jok3r I totally agree with you except for that part. For a teenager his room is like a temple. Like imagine your mom getting into your room and opening some drawers and finding vials of testosterone and various purple pills and throws gear for hundreds of dollars into the trash. In my opinion you shouldn't throw stuff or you might reach the boiling point when all hell breaks loose. You'll get the "I hate you" and "locking inside the room listening to punk loud" stuff. You don't want that.

[jok3r]

jok3r I totally agree with you except for that part. For a teenager his room is like a temple. Like imagine your mom getting into your room and opening some drawers and finding vials of testosterone and various purple pills and throws gear for hundreds of dollars into the trash. In my opinion you shouldn't throw stuff or you might reach the boiling point when all hell breaks loose. You'll get the "I hate you" and "locking inside the room listening to punk loud" stuff. You don't want that.

I meant more so if Swamp found things like more stashed pot, meth, coke, ecstasy etc .. you really don't want that inside your house. I would be pissed at my parents if they did that but at the end of the day its their house so I find it necessary to respect their rules. Though I am greatful that when it comes to gear its more of a 'don't ask don't tell' situation

[BlackJack]

To be honest, I've always found the forbidden stuff to be more interesting and fun. I did all kinds of stuff when I was young, drugs, random women, gambling w/e and I still do and I have to say I love that I did it all my way. But you need to be strong and you need to know where's the line that seperates the recreational user from the habitual. And that's something you learn from your parents. Life has many different colours and I believe it shouldn't be the same for everyone and there shouldn't be any stereotypes for what success is and what happiness is. I think I got carried away again...

[Swamp Thing]

Well, things have calmed down a bit but are far from "fixed." Both kids are grounded (which they were anyway when the most recent sneaking out of the house happened) and we pretty much don't let them leave our sights anymore. The big thing right now is whether or not we let the younger one wrestle. He is the problem child. The older one is just kinda along for the ride but is typically a much more reserved and respectful kid. The younger one won freshmen states in wrestling last year and is REALLY good (ranked in the top 3 nationally in Jujitsu since he was 6) so were kinda battling whether or not we allow him to continue. We have talked to his coaches so they know what is going on. I think we'll let him.... we just can't allow him to have any free time to himself. Wont be left alone at home, no walking home from school, goes to the gym with me.... pretty much just supervised all the damn time. He's already on academic probation so... it's kinda up to him to fuck it up himself.

As far as the power struggle in the house. Not much has been said about it. my wife is very strong minded when it comes to the kids. Stands up for them even when they are wrong kinda thing. I know this is not a good thing as this is what my Mom did to me. I could have killed someone and my Mother would have blamed everyone else but me. Not really a great thing. So, we'll see I guess.

Thanks for the responses fellas!!!